Commissioner's Rankings 2023
You didn’t think I would forget to release the Commissioner’s Preseason Rankings did you? It’s a time honored tradition, like Rusty drafting someone that is injured by week 1 or Austin trading Bryan for a QB.
This year instead of eyeballing it, I decided to use a simple formula to decide how I really ranked the teams. RB’s most important, followed by WR, TE, and then QB. You may disagree with that order and the rankings, but you’re not the one that had to carve out an hour to put this together.
Since we are taking a cruise to Mexico next year for the draft, this year’s theme will be cruise? I don’t know. We’ll probably just end up with Always Sunny, but for now I’ll rank everyone in four tiers: Mexican Beverages.
Tier 4 - Tap Water:
This is the worst of the worst. Bottom of the barrel. You just look at these teams and you’ll end up in a Mexican hospital with a scar on your lower back. At best you’ll end up on the toilet. The Golden Toilet.
12. Austin
I actually ranked you 1st overall in my WR rankings. I’m biased as you stole my WR lineup from last year. Unfortunately, Jefferson, St Brown, Lockett, and Thomas don’t make up for everything else you put together.
I ranked you at 10 for QB, 10 for RB (I’m questioning that ranking as it could be worse), and 9th for TE. I’m not a Fields believer, but if he can do what he did last year, you’ll be okay. I may be the only person in fantasy that believes this is still Najee’s backfield and that Pierce isn’t the next superstar running back, but that would be going against the experts. I’m the leader of the Schultz fan club, but he’s on a new team with a rookie QB. I just think you have a lot of work to do.
11. Chris
Weird that my favorite WR group finished last and now my favorite RB group is ranked second to last. King Henry is going to have another great year. So is Pollard with Conner and Gibson as great backups and flex plays.
I actually like Metcalf and Deebo a lot too. I’m kind of surprised how low I rated your WRs. You just don’t have any depth at the position. It’s just unfortunate that I hate both of your QBs and ranked you last in QB rating. Pitts is a big question mark at TE and lead to you being ranked 7th. I’m already questioning my formula, because I think you have a way better chance of making the playoffs than Austin does. You’re a dark horse for sure.
10. Dom
This is the first team Dom’s drafted that I remember just not liking. I love Barkley, Brown, and Wilson, but it stops there. I have your ranked at 3rd in the WR rankings, but in the back half of everything else.
Lawrence is a great NFL QB, but I don’t see him being a top 5 fantasy QB. The biggest question mark on the team is your RB depth. Williams is a fill-in until Kamara comes back. No one has any idea what the Eagles are doing at RB, so in turn no one knows what Swift will do. That leaves Hunt, who is still a free agent at this time. Multiple teams were reportedly in on him, but 24 hours before the season begins he is still sitting at home. I think you have to find an RB on waivers or hope that Hunt signs somewhere perfect if you want to make the playoffs.
9. Rusty
Apparently 4th at WR and 7th at RB was good enough to make up for 12th at TE and 7th at QB. I like your WRs a lot and feel like they could end up being the highest scoring unit in the league if all four young guys have breakout seasons. Not you Claypool. You’ll be on the waivers in no time.
It’s unfortunate what happened with Taylor. You probably would have had the highest rated RB unit and would be rated in the top 4 or 5 teams. I just don’t see him playing this year. Better start checking that waiver wire. Other than that, nothing much to say. I love Geno and Tua and believe both could end up being top 5 QBs overall with all the weapons they have.
Tier 3 - Mexican Coke:
Mexican Coke is good, but you can get it in the US. It’s also not much better than regular Coke. Basically you’re good enough to not be the worst, but not great. Also not guaranteed to end up on the toilet.
8. Bruce
Basically middle of the road all around. Other than TE, which was hard to rank, your team is average. I like Diggs, Williams was a steal where you got him in the draft, Gibbs is a future star, and I’m higher on Mattison than most. Unfortunately there are a lot of questions on this team.
Will Goff show up like he did last year? Kupp is a sad story. Will the guy even play a down this year? How many games will Kittle actually play? Then you have guys like Akers who had one bad year and started really slow last year but finished the year great. Dillon who is technically a backup, but could take over the Packers backfield. And finally the most exciting player on your team, Charbonnet. I think he could end up being the best RB in the rookie class. It’s just too bad he has to compete with Walker. You got a shot at making the playoffs again.
7. Logan
This is where the formula makes no sense. Second favorite RB core and second favorite WR core. I ranked Prescott as the 11th worst starting QB in the league. You can replace a QB easier than any other position in the league. I mean if the rookie WRs hit then you could easily have a top 3 team.
I can’t really say anything bad about your team. I like it a lot. This is the biggest fail from the formula so far.
Tier 2 - Pacifico:
The best of the best Mexican beers. Don’t give me that Modelo bull shit. If you say Corona and Dos Equis then just get the fuck out of here. Any beer is better than a Coke though right?
6. Aron
I’m getting tired of writing these. The bad teams are more fun to look at. I ranked you 6, 7, 8, 4 at QB, RB, WR, TE respectively. About as average as you can get, but good enough to make the playoffs.
Herbert and Chase could end up as the QB1 and WR1. My biggest issue with this team is the RB core. I’m not sure how it ended up 7th. If the rumors are true, Etienne, White, and Montgomery could all lose their starting jobs to younger players this year. There’s nothing that special on your bench. I’m not really sure here. I think I like some of the prior teams that were ranked more than yours, but the formula doesn’t lie.
5. Bryan
This is stupid. I hate your team. How did they end up this high? Allen and Kelce can both end up at QB1 and TE1. I like your starting WRs if they can stay healthy, but there is no depth on your team. Like for real, Skyy Moore is the only backup WR you have and Kamara, who is out for 3 weeks, is the only backup RB.
You’ll figure it out somehow. Someone like Austin will trade you a top 20 RB for a QB like Anthony Richardson. There’s no point in talking about your team. You’ll make trades and it will look completely different in three weeks.
4. Brady
Guys, I gotta be honest. My team is great. QB? Yes. RBs with depth? Oh yeah. Top 3 TE? Hope so! WRs? Ehh could be better I guess. Only reason I’m not ranked higher is because while I think Bijan will finish top 3 at RB, he’s still a rookie and nothing is set in stone. Plus I’ll fuck this up somehow.
3. Kevin
Another one where I think the formula failed me. I would have you back closer to like 7th or 8th. I don’t think anything about your team is extremely special, but your starting lineup is pretty well rounded. I like the top three RBs on your team probably more than most “experts” do. Other than that you just have above average players like Higgins, Hopkins, and Friermuth.
You better hope Kelce comes back so Mahomes has someone to throw his 50 TDs to this year.
Tier 1 -Margarita:
2. Clint
Alright, I actually agree with this one. Your ranking was carried by your QB, RB, and WRs. I love Hurts and think he could outscore every QB by a huge margin this year. I’m not the biggest Dobbins believe, but CMC makes up for any downfall at RB. Just hope he stays healthy. Lamb and Johnson could both finish as huge steals at WR.
I love this team. If you can find a TE and a reliable flex player then there should be no problem making the playoffs and even winning the division.
1. Cord
ESPN absolutely hates Cord’s team. I personally think it’s just above average. The formula however, believes this is the best team. I can’t argue with the formula.
The good:
-As much as I hate Lamar, I think he’ll strive under the new system.
-Hill, Ridley, London make up one of the best WR cores in the league.
-Andrews is the second best TE in the league. If he stays healthy then he’ll compete for TE1.
The bad:
Notice I said nothing about the RBs? Sanders has never been great. I just don’t see him doing anything special in Carolina either. Twelve months ago Javonte was the next big thing at RB. Now after losing his leg it’s like everyone forgot he exists. His season really comes down to his health. I also don’t have much to say about the bench here. It’s a weakness.
Congrats Cord on winning the Thumper Bowl in your first season. You will be hated if that actually happens.